I am sitting here listening to the rain fall outside my window. The sound is so relaxing and refreshing to me. I try to type the words that express the thoughts going around and around inside my head and the delete button is being used more often than not. I would say I am having a day of reflection...but that wouldn't be entirely true. A day of regret would truly describe my thoughts accurately. I find myself haunted by all my past mistakes. I find myself mourning the things that I missed out upon because of stupid decisions and bad judgements. I wonder about the "what ifs" and how things could be if those mistakes hadn't have been made. I wonder how I could have allowed myself to be distracted and deceived. I think the easy part was forgiving others...now I struggle with forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for allowing my focus to be turned away from God. I compromised. It happened to me so slowly that I didn't realize it was happening at first. But, once realized...the damage and destruction had been done. My relationship with God suffered, friends that I held dear to my heart had been hurt, a job that was loved had been lost and my reputation tarnished. I believed man, instead of searching for wisdom from God. I allowed decisions to be made for me, instead of having the courage to decide for myself. I allowed myself to be controlled, instead of allowing my God to lead me the way I should go. I carelessly tossed away all that God had blessed me with to follow a person. Now, I am left picking up the pieces.
I cry out to the Lord to have mercy on me for putting someone else in His place. He rewards me with the sound of rain falling. It gently reminds me His love will cleanse me. Only He can wash and renew my mind. It reminds me that He can take these mistakes and have me grow and maybe even bloom because of them. So, I sit here listening to the falling rain....
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